199 Ways to Improve Your Relationships, Marriage, and Sex Life

This book contains two chapters of fun and serious quotes about love and relationships

6" x 9" Paperback $12.99

KINDLE E-book version $3.99

Excerpts from L. B. Sommer's Books 

Absurd, Funny, Hilarious, And Outrageous Definitions 

By L. B. Sommer 

     Defining a word so that other people can understand it clearly and concisely is truly an art form. Unfortunately when perverted, bitter, sarcastic, drunk, or otherwise emotionally scarred people attempt to define words we end up with a dubious definition. On this web page I have tried to compile some of the Internet's funniest definitions for my readers' enjoyment.

ABASH - a high school graduation party. 

ADOPTION - is when a child grows in a Mommy's heart instead of her tummy. 

ADULT - a person who has stop growing at both ends and now is growing in the middle. 

ALCOHOL - a bitter fluid used to help white people dance.

ALCOHOLIC - anyone you do not like who drinks more than you do. - Dylan Thomas

AMNESIA - a conditions that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. 

ANGER - a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.  

ARGUMENT - a discussion that occurs when you're right and continues until they realize it. 

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION - copulation with representation. 

ATHEISM - a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin 

ATOM BOMB - an invention to end all inventions. 

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. 

BACHELOR - a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

BACKUP - what you do when you see a skunk in the woods. 

BALDERDASH - a rapidly receding hairline.

BITCH - any girl who is skinnier or prettier than you. 

BOOBS - the cause of all life's problems. 

BOSS - someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 

BRIDE - a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 

BUDGET - a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. 

CAD - a man who does not tell his wife he's sterile until after she is pregnant.

CALORIES - tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night. 

CANNIBAL - someone who is fed up with people. 

CAR SICKNESS - the feeling you get when the car payment is due. 

CHRISTMAS - the only time of the year one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock. 

CIGARETTE - a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on
the other. 

CLEANING - putting stuff in less obvious places. 

CLEAVAGE - something you can look down on and approve of all at the same time.

COFFEE - a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank. 

COFFEE - a magical substance that turns "Leave me alone or die" into "Good morning, honey."

COLLEGE - the four year period when parents are allowed access to the telephone.

COMMITTEE - a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

COMMITTEE - individuals who can do nothing individually that gather to decide that they can do nothing together.

COMMON SENSE - a rare form of intelligence that only 1 in 12,000 are born with. 

COMPROMISE - the art of dividing a cake in such a manner that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

COMPROMISE - an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. 

CONFIDENCE - that feeling you have before you fully understand the situation. 

CONSCIOUSNESS - the annoying time between naps.

CONSCIOUSNESS - the sober down time between drinking bouts.  

CONFERENCE - the confusion of one man multiplied by the number of people present. 

CRIMINAL - a guy no different from the rest until he gets caught. 

CYNIC - is a man who when he smells flowers looks around for a funeral.

DICTIONARY - a place where divorce comes before marriage.

DIPLOMAT - a person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

DISAPPOINTMENT - the feeling you get after receiving no likes on a witty Facebook status update.

DISK CRASH - a typical computer response to any critical deadline. 

DIVORCE - ah yes,... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. (A Robin Willaim's quote.)

DIVORCE - future tense of the word marriage.

DOCTOR - a person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you later with his bills. 

DOOHICKY - name of an object you either can't remember or never even knew in the first place. 

DRUNK - when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it.

DUMBWAITER - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. 

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 

EGOTIST - someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

ETC. - a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

ETERNITY - the last two minutes of a football game. 

EXPERIENCE - what you get when you don't read the manual first. 

EYEDROPPER - a clumsy ophthalmologist. 

FABLE - the story told by a teenager after arriving home after curfew. 

FAMILY - the people you are stuck with no matter how weird or embarrassing they are.

FATHER - a banker provided by nature. 

FEET - a device used to find Legos in the dark. 

FISHING - a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other. 

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does.

GOSSIP - a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

GRANDPARENTS - the people who think your children are wonderful even though they are sure you are not raising them right.

GULLIBLE - if said slowly gullible sounds like the word oranges.

GYNECOLOGIST - a pervert with a medical degree.

HATE - any opinion that disagrees with that of a liberal agenda. 

HEARSAY - what small children do when anyone mutters a dirty word. 

HEAVEN - a place full of everything you get sent to hell for. 

HINDSIGHT - what one experiences from changing too many diapers.

HORNY - a state of sexual excitement caused by a lack of sexual excitement. - L. B. Sommer

HUNG-OVER - the ill sensation felt when regaining consciousness with your head in the toilet. - L. B. Sommer 

HUSBAND - a man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 

HUSBAND - a person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. 

IMMATURE - a word used by boring people to describe fun people.

IMPREGNABLE - a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INCEST - a game that the whole family can play. 

INDEPENDENT - how we want our children to be so long as they do everything we say. 

INFLATION - cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

JUSTICE - a legal decision in your favor. 

KARMA - when you use the last of the toilet paper without replacing it and are the next person to use the bathroom. 

KEYBOARD - the standard way to generate computer errors. 

KINDNESS - a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain 

KISSING - a means of getting two people so close together that they cannot see anything wrong with each other. 

LAUGHING - when smiling orgasms. 

LAZINESS - the habit of resting before you get tired.

LEAD POISONING - a liberal's reaction to a conservative's politically incorrect, yet legal, expression of his second amendment right. 

LECTURE - the art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of

LIBERAL - a person so open-minded their brains have fallen out. 

LIFE - a sexually transmitted disease that always ends in death. There is currently no known cure.

LIFE - the gradual erosion of the principals you learned on your mother's knee. 

LIFE INSURANCE - a contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich

LOVE - an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 

LOVE - two vowels; two consonants; two fools. 

MANICURE - the act of paying to get made fun of in a different language.

MARRIAGE - an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

MARRIAGE - betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

MICROSECOND - the amount of time it takes for your state of the art computer to become obsolete.  

MISER - a stupid person who lives poor so they can die rich. 

MISTRESS - something between a mister and a mattress. 

MOSQUITO - an insect that makes you like flies better. 

MOUSE - an advance computer input device with a trigger happy mind of its own, at times randomly allowing its user to surf the internet unexpectedly.

MRS. - a job title involving heavy responsibilities, light pay, and no recognition. 

MULTI-TASKING - texting, tending a virtual farm, and watching an online video all at the same time.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

NARCISSTIST - a more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil asshole with no soul.

NEVER MIND - a phrase indicating you were too stupid to understand the first time, so I give up trying to explain it. 

NURSE - a person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills. 

NYMPHOMANIA - a disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden. 

NYPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. 

OFFICE - a place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 

OPPORTUNIST - one who starts having a bath when he or she accidently falls in a river.

OPTIMIST - a person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says in midair, "See I am not injured yet!" 

PARENTS - living recollections of your embarrassing childhood memories.

PATIENCE - is what parents have when there are witnesses.

PEDESTRIAN - an endangered species. 

PETS -  the only members of your family that you actually like.

POLITICIAN - one who shakes your hand before an election and your confidence later. 

POOR - when you have too much month at the end of your money.

PRENATAL -  the time period when your life was still somewhat your own.

PROFANITY - a linguistic crutch for inarticulate motherf***ers.

PSYCHOLOGIST - someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

PUDDLE - a small body of water that draws other small bodies with dry shoes into it.

QUIET - a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and again after the last child has left for college.  

RAMEN - a gourmet meal for college students and others oppressed by debt.

RAPTURE - actually separation of church and state. 

REALITY - the annoying time between when I wake up and internet access. 

REFRIGERATOR - combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.  

REST STOP - a traffic light stuck on red. 

RUBBERNECK - what a man does to relax his wife.

SARCASM - I would explain it to you, but I am all out of puppets and crayons. - L. B. Sommer

SARCASM - the brain's natural defense against dumb people

SARCASM - the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it. 

SCHOOL - a place where Papa pays and children play. 

SCHOOL TEACHER - a dsiillusioned person who used to think they liked children. 

SCIENCE FAIR - a time for parents to show how talented they are. 

SCREWED - a man who has a truck payment, a house payment, a wife, and a girlfriend AND they are all a month late. 

SECRET - something you tell to one person at a time. 

SHINBONE - a device used to find furniture in the dark. 

SHOW OFF - a child who is more talented than yours. 

SIBLING - a person who will pick on you for their own entertainment, yet beat up anyone else who does the same. 

SMILE - a curve that can set a lot of things straight.  

SPOILED ROTTEN - what the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. 

STALKING - when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.

STATE OF THE ART - every new electronic contraption that you cannot afford to buy.

STERILIZE - what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STRESS - the confusion created when one's mind overrides their natural instinct to slap the ever-living shit out of a person who clearly deserves it.

STUPID - knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but still believing the lies.

SUCCESS - is completing a form on the internet without missing a required field on the first attempt.

SUCCESS - is "going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill

SUCCESS - is when people start searching for you on Google instead of Facebook. (PERSONAL NOTE: As an author I totally agree with this dubious definition!!!)

SWEATER - what you put on when your mother or wife is cold. 

SYNONYM -  a word used in place of the one you cannot spell.

TEACHER - a person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them.

TEARS - the hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power. 

TEENAGER - when you are too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.

TEMPERMENTAL - being half temper and half mental. 

TEXTING - modern romance at it's finest. 

TOMORROW - a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement are stored. 

TOMORROW - the greatest labor saving device of today. 

TOMORROW - the best time to do everything you had planned for today. 

TRANSVESTITE - a man who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 

TYRANNY - forcing people to pay for what they do not want, merely because you think it would be good for them.

VEGETARIAN - an old Indian word for bad hunter.

VIRGINITY - what women are proud of and what men are ashamed of.

VIRGINITY - a big issue over a little tissue. 

WEDDING - a funeral where you get to smell your own flowers. 

WINE - how sophisticated and classy people get wasted. 

YAWN - an honest opinion that one openly expresses. 

YAWN - the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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